Inside of my head

Beautiful Rose...
why are you wilting so?
I fear it may be that my grip so tight
has crushed and strangled you

But I had heard the wind whispering at my ears
their devilish plans of taking you away
And how the sun beats down on us
as if to suck the very moisture from our souls

I cup you so gently,
and listen to your sighs
I see that you are still fast fading
before my very eyes

My shroud of insecurities have smothered your fragile frame
Your head droops ever so sadly; shrivelled
Limp.


A better man would have worn you with pride
displaying your splendour for all to see
Others would touch and admire your slender form
and wished they had you at their bosoms tight

Alas, I cannot be so.
Your nectar is too sweet to be shared - Nay,
for them to even set sight would defoul you
too precious, far too precious 


Here you are.
Dying.
And here I am.
Dying.
But I can't let go.


I am no lover.
I am, but, a murderer.
 

Don't bother.

You won't find me.
And even if you do. It's not the person you knew anymore.

That same darkness I see in all of them, I know is within me too- which makes it all the more painful.

It's so sad how I feel like I can't talk to anyone.
And so I post entries - trying to release some pent up emotions.

But what exactly is it that I seek to say?
What exactly is it that I hope to achieve?

Attention? Help? A saviour?

Yesterday I was speaking with Adelene - the only person I really regularly converse with nowadays
And we were talking about what we would do if we could change our lives.
And I said I would change everything. I wish I was a newborn once again.

I don't live in this world. I live in my mind, my memories.

I look at my life, and I think, what the hell have I been doing.

The only constant is change. And I'm lost. I can't find my way.
I used to have someone there for me, but I can't feel it anymore. I don't even understand what I am clinging on to anymore.

Am I really such a burden? Are you embarassed by me?


I wake up. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate the person staring back at me.
I eat. I play computer games. I surf the net. I read. I escape.
I go to sleep and into my dreams.
And wake up to this endless nightmare, once again.

I can't find myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even know what I'm truly living for.

Yes, I would like to become a respected member of the society. Contribute. Help the disadvantaged. Cheer some people up with jokes. Have a look at the blue skies. But, is that all I am living for? What kind of paltry existence is that?

All the others, they talk, laugh, go out. But I don't see a point. What's the point?


I take the pills day after day, I try to be more social, but I still see no anwer. I'm not ill. Maybe it's just that I see the horrible truth that so many of us are trying to ignore by filling up our time with trival things - shopping, talking, partying, drinking, movies, constructing sad flimsy relationships that attempt to breathe some meaning into your existance.

But it's all waffle. They're just time wasters.

And in the end, when you get home, you've comfortably numbed yourself, so you just fall asleep to wake up and fill your day with more nonsense again. And then repeat it all over again.

I truly feel like an empty shell.
Why is it that I shun friends and family.


I'm so unhappy, but I don't know why.


I walk on alone.

My life is a farce.

I don't understand why some people get so fascinated by other people's private matters.


Oh wait. I get it. Yours is just too boring.

Please get a life.